Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Things Non-Moms Take for Granted

I spent years wanting to be a mom. Being called, "Mommy" was something for which I longed. I wanted the baby to cuddle. I wanted the toddler to call out to me and cuddle. I wanted the child to run to me excitedly with the A on her report card. You get the picture...

So far we're doing good with all that. I love the adoring gazes, the giant hugs and even the licks across my cheek.

But there are so many things that nobody mentions when it comes to parenting. Things non-moms take for granted. Here's my list:

  1. Bodily functions being a solo event. I haven't peed by myself in exactly 2 years, 8 months and 5 days.
  2. Clean clothes. SB had reflux, so it started early and I still can't manage to go a day while maintaining a clean shirt.
  3. TV shows. You think you'll still be able to watch your soap opera or watch GLEE without interruption. Yeah, right. I spend my TV hours watching Max & Ruby, Yo Gabba Gabba and other mind-numbing shows. I hate these shows. You will too. Yet you will watch them over and over, day in and day out, until you have full episodes memorized.
  4. Eating a hot meal. Remember that scene in "A Christmas Story" where Ralphie's mom is serving dinner and every time she sits down someone asks for something else. Ralphie wants more milk, the dad wants more potatoes, etc. In the scene Ralphie narrarates that his mother hadn't had a hot meal in years. It's totally true. I sit down and SB needs more milk, Mac drops his spoon, Marshall would like more corn. And while I'm generally a "get it yourself" type - my chair is next to the kitchen door and it's easier for me to get it. That and I'm just super wonderful and nice.
  5. Shopping. Doesn't matter if it's for milk or shoes - shopping with kids is no fun. You want to look for shoes - they want to look for Elmo get the two things you need (and the 4 things they're screaming for) and an extra $20. And forget running into the store "real quick." Now you have to grab the kid, the diaper bag, the stroller, your purse and a spare change of clothes in case of accidents. Double that for two kids.
  6. Alone time. Be that with your spouse or actually alone. Doesn't happen. If you're cuddling on the couch with your husband, it's guaranteed the baby will cry. If you're blissfully lost in a book, your toddler will pull you back to reality by announcing that she successfully pooped on the potty.
  7. Sleeping in & Naps. When my kids were little, they slept until 8:30 or 9:00am, it was wonderful. Now the kids wake at the first rays of light. It's terrible. What's worse is that on non-school days, my daughter is up with the sun, but on school days, she wants to sleep in. But you know, if I want to sleep it, that's not allowed. And when I say, "Daddy will make you breakfast..." My husband rolls back over and the kids protest, "No, I want Momma!" Gee, thanks. Not to mention taking naps - I love naps. Kids might love their own naps, but they do not love Mommy taking naps...
  8. Home Decor. Interesting, you think? When you have mobile children, Grandma's antique vase can't be in touching range or it will become Grandma's antique shards of glass. Even the dog's food dish isn't safe. Now it's a mid-morning snack for your 2-year-old.
  9. Phone Calls. They just don't happen when kids are around. Go ahead - give it a try. The plus with this one - you have a good reason to just hang up on annoying unsolicited calls. I've mastered yelling, "Stop! Don't touch the---" click.
  10. Rational thoughts. You were so smart when you got out of college and went to work in your chosen profession. Mommy brain changes all that. One time, I couldn't recall the name of the "thing you open and it has pages and you read it." Yeah. A book. I couldn't remember the word "book." I have a college degree - in communications no less. But being a mom kills every smart brain cell you have and the time you previously spent learning theories and researching methods is now replaced with children's songs and reciting Fancy Nancy books by heart. So long, sanity!

So these are my Top 10 Things Non-Moms Take for Granted. For now. How about you?

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