Friday, April 8, 2011

The Worst Nightmare

I think every mother's worst nightmare is losing a child.

For eighteen months I thought daily I would lose Mac. Thank God we did not and he is now stuck with us for life!

But 5.5 years ago, before SB, I had an early miscarriage. Didn't know, did you? Not many people do. We didn't share then. But I feel compelled to share now. That little one was gone at about 6 weeks.

And now I'm in the midst of another one. When we went in at 8 weeks, things were not developing as they should. 10 days later (yesterday), they had not changed. Our baby was gone.

I am typing this with a dry eye. I've cried enough over the past 2 weeks. I'm sure I'll cry more in the week(s) to come. But right now crying will not bring my little one back and to be honest - if I had the choice between a hard life here or eternity in heaven, I would choose heaven in an instant. He's better off, but I still miss him (and yes, I am referring to him as a him - just a feeling I have).

So if you've wondered in the past 2 weeks what's been going on with me, that's it. So many of you have been praying for us, and I appreciate it. Your support means the world to me. Especially our moms (if you're reading this, thank you Mom & Melissa).

The hardest thing right now is trying to praise God. But I am thankful that I was able to get pregnant again (infertility stinks). I'm thankful for the few weeks of happiness we had. I'm more thankful for Thing 1 and Thing 2 sitting on the floor right now watching Pixar short films. I'm thankful for the friends and family who are embracing us right now. I'm thankful for a husband who lets me grieve in my own way and in my own time.
There's nothing like a loss to make you realize what you do have.

Marshall and I talked about my sharing this loss with the world. Last time we kept it private. I just told my mom about it recently. But I feel compelled to share. So many others go through a miscarriage feeling alone. Infertility and miscarriage are like taboo topics nobody wants to talk about in public. But if you know me, you know I like to speak publicly about all my issues - from pregnancy, post-pardum depression, adoption, parenting struggles and loss. So I will share it some here. If you don't like it, well, click to another blog and try again later.

So that's what's been going on with us. We thank you for your love in this time. And we thank God for this opportunity, no matter how hard.


PAI said...

Allison, I am so sorry. Praying for God to comfort your heart. Thank you for sharing your story, it will help others going through the heartache of infertility and loss.


Michelle said...

So sorry Allison. Will be praying for God's comfort for you and Marshall.

Michelle Bright

WeLuvOurTwins said...

I am so sorry for you loss. I wish there were words that would bring comfort...lifting your family up in prayer. Thank you for sharing this very intimate and emotional time, infertility and loss is beyond difficult and your words will help so many who may not be at a place that they can talk about it.

sheridan said...

Allison, my heart breaks for you and Marshall. I know your little one will only have the experience of heaven, but I still hoped and prayed you would be able to hold him in your arms for a little while.

Please know that I am praying for you.

Lauren P said...

<<<<<< HUGS >>>>>>

~April~ said...

Wow, I'm so sorry for your loss. We've been trying to get pregnant for about 3-4 years now. I was diagnosed w/ polycystic ovarian syndrome & tried a few different treatments with no luck. We then decided to hold off w/ the meds and focus on getting healthier... which I think is slowly helping. That and prayer, of course. But I often worry about how I'll take it if when I do get pregnant after all this time, I have a miscarriage. So I appreciate you sharing your story... I'm sure it'll be really hard if I ever go through one, but I trust in God's plan for me, so that's comforting.

I hope you're all doing well, and I'll definitely be keeping you in my prayers. :)

Allison said...

Thank you everyone...

April, we tried for a few years after we were married, then we tried to adopt - then I got pregnant with SB. God's timing... I don't get it, but I don't question it either. I'll be praying for you, too.


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