Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Top 10: Ways to be Selfish

No, you didn't mis-read that. This is about how to be selfish, not how to avoid being selfish. Trust me, you want to read this.

  1. Shop for yourself - regardless of where you are. If you're at Target munching on popcorn and perusing the shoe section, do not stop to think about getting your husband in iTunes card or pre-shopping for your niece's birthday. This is a waste of YOUR resources. Instead, forget your husband, give the kid a $5 and buy yourself those juicy new boots you were eying.
  2. Be sure you use your time on you. Using your free time to write Aunt Irene a thank you note is a drag - treat yourself to a pedicure instead. You'll feel better about you!
  3. When your husband asks you to make his favorite meal for dinner, decide instead to make yours. Better yet, order it out from your favorite restaurant...His favorite food smell gross anyway and he would never appreciate your thought.
  4. When you finally do get your niece that birthday gift, keep it for yourself. She won't appreciate your thought and effort, and those earrings would look cuter on you anyway.
  5. Use all the hot water before the rest of the family gets up. They don't mind cold, do they?
  6. Tell your significant other they're not attending to your needs properly while you completely ignore theirs. It's only fair after all you do, right?
  7. Decide that your $45 a month mani/pedi habit is much more important than your daughter's dance lessons. Prodigy, smodigy.
  8. When your BFF calls, only talk about yourself and your problems. She couldn't possibly have any issues going on because her calves are slimmer than yours.
  9. Attend church weekly, but when someone asks you to serve, lie and say you're too busy. They have plenty of other people and besides - you have your own problems to handle.
  10. Only pray for yourself. Say, "Lord, I need a better car," not "Lord, use me to serve those who have no way to get to and from." Or say, "Lord, bless me financially," instead of "Lord, allow me to be a blessing unto those who have less than me." 

These are sure fire ways to act selfishly and get nothing in return. If you desire a life of loneliness and self-destruction, follow the directions above.

However, if you want to have a full, long and happy life surrounded by those you love most...well, do the opposite of what's listed.

The choice is yours...

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