Pick Up the Poo

I can only imagine all parents deal with this to some extent - disobedience and lying. I mean, it's normal for a kid to test his or her boundaries, right?

Last week Mac decided to test his. He peed on the stairs. About 5 feet from a bathroom. And about 8 feet from another bathroom. And 9 steps and another 5 feet from another bathroom. Get the picture?

I asked him what was going on. He said he couldn't make it to any of the aforementioned potties.

Me: Oh no! Are your pants wet? (I knew this was not the case)

Mac: No.

Me: So how did you have an accident and not get your pants wet?

Mac: I pulled it out of my pants. (you know, "it," the part that pees)

Me: You had time for that but not to make it to the bathroom?

Mac: No. I just decided to pee on the stairs.

I made him clean it up, of course. But I wanted something else. Because not only did he pee on the stairs, but he lied about it.

So I told him maybe as punishment he needed to go in the yard and pick up the dog poo. I'm thinking I'm pretty smart. The punishment fits the crime and all. Besides - we have a chihuahua, he'd spend 5 minutes out there with a shovel and bucket, find nothing, and be done. I mean really - chihuahua poo is tiny and there's no telling where it might be in our big yard.

But Mac bursts into tears over this.

What on earth? I didn't think it was that bad. It's not against the law to have your kid clean up the poo from your yard, right?

I took his hand and calmly asked why he was crying.

His response: Can I at least use a NAPKIN??? **waaaaa**

I couldn't help myself. I busted out laughing. My poor boy thought I was going to make him pick up poo with his bare hands.
He was not too amused with my laughter, so I had to calm down and reassure him I would never make him touch poo with his bare hands. Then I decided that the mere idea of handling poo napkin-less was enough and let the rest of the punishment slide. 

My poor sweet boy.  I'm still laughing over this one!

Barbies in the Buff

My 4-year-old is obsessed with Barbies in the buff. If you recall, the 4-year-old in my life is male. My son has a thing for stripping down Barbies. And it’s not an at-home obsession. He carries his naked Barbies with him everywhere.

http://alexmphotography.com/20091130/barenaked-barbies/

He chooses one to take to the store and carries her lovingly around – her perky chest exposed and the lacy, flesh-colored panties barely covering a thing. Thank goodness her waist-length hair gives her some amount of modesty. 

At night Mac lays with 5 or 6 nude Barbies – the tramps. But if any of them are found with clothes on, he just pulls their dresses off and snuggles in with them. 

I’ve been assured this is just an exploratory stage for my son. He’s body curious, which I totally understand. It’s just a little creepy, you know? But I guess there are worse things in the world. Right?

7 Things My Pet Thought Today

We have several pets. Two long haired Chihuahuas, three outside cats, and the two new turtles.

The turtles are the newest members of the family, and I'm sure they are looking at us, completely perplexed as to why and how we spend all day out of water. Here's what I think they thought today.

1. How do you live outside of water?
2. Oo! Someone is walking by. I hope it's time to eat!
3. Please stop this other turtle from climbing on me.
4. I love the waterfall feature in our house. It's very posh.
5. Someone else walked by! Feed me!
6. Please stop tapping on our glass house.
7. Ahhh, I love the (artificial) sunlight that beams directly onto me. So cozy!

The turtles, Lightning and Ariel, are very cute and a joy to watch. I'm sure they think we're all nuts.

This post was written as part of MamaKat's Weekly Writing Prompts.

Sorry About the Toilet Paper, Family

Dear Family,

I am so sorry I bought that crappy toilet paper from the discount store for $1.99. It was a bad, bad decision.

When I looked at those four rolls all wrapped up, they looked thick, and quilted, and squishy. Oh! How they deceived me...
No, instead they are so thin I can see through them, so scratchy I don't want it touching human skin, and so horrid it takes 20 squares to accomplish a normal 3 square job.

I am sorry, Family, for subjecting you to this terrible TP all in the name of "cheap." Yes, I was trying to be cheap. I was couponless and just trying to save a few dollars. But now I know! Never sacrifice ripples and quilting for $2! It's not worth it!

It's just not worth it.

So use up that junk quickly - I know it won't take long - and I promise your tush some real pampering next week. Promise.

Sincerely,

Mom
 ____________________________________________

PS - don't forget to enter our Caption Contest for a chance to WIN a custom-made Twirly Girl Tutu! Two more days left to enter!

The Rose Ceremony

I am not a Bachelor watcher. I think it's the stupidest idea for a television show ever invented. Even more stupid than Punk'd or Teen Mom.
I mean, seriously, we watch a very rich and eligible bachelor (or bachelorette!) who can't seem to find love through traditional means (or match.com) go on television to make out with a dozen big-breasted slutty woman who need a man (or a dozen well-toned men who wanted to get laid). And then the claws come out, and the women are seemingly forced into going further than one would ever think possible on television where both his and her parents are watching every move.

But anyway...the point is that the person searching for their soul mate amid the television cameras somehow narrows the list down to six women by giving the chosen ones a rose. These are the people he thinks he might want to spend the rest of his life with. Let's forget about the fact that all they do it make out, Hunky man thinks these ladies might be "the one."

Which made me think - what would *I* give a rose to because I couldn't live without it.
I thought about doing all people, but then someone would feel all left out and not sexy enough because they didn't get a rose.
So I opted to think of six things I would bestow a rose on non person-related.

1. My Kindle. Oh, how I love your easy reading and your availability of free books. I definitely choose you...
2. Sweet Tea. I'm addicted to you, you know. I haven't spent time with you I would like lately because of being pregnant, but I promise you're still my favorite.
3. Chocolate. You make life sane and sweet. You're rich, too. I love you.
4. My Bible. In the midst of life's chaos, you keep me straight. You have all the right words and advice and are a solid rock in my life.
5. Clocks. I am such a stickler for time and you know it. How well you keep me and my life on track. I need you!
6. My camera. You capture every moment. You're there for me day and night. You give me laughs and great memories. I can't live without you.

So there are my 6 non-living life mates. I'm glad I don't have to narrow it down any further...


This post was written using MamaKat's writing prompt.

http://mamakatslosingit.com/

500 Miles

I generally wake up each morning with a song in my head. And more often than not, it's a praise and worship song.

So the other morning I woke up with "500 miles" in my head. You know the one - The Proclaimers song from Benny & Joon.

I thought it was an odd song to have in my head. Not a song I had thought of in a while. But then I thought about Jesus singing it. Stay with me here, I know that's strange concept.

Jesus says he will always be with us. He will go the distance for us. He would walk 500 miles, then 500 more, just to be the man who'd walk a thousand miles to fall down at our door. He will give us everything we need.

Sometimes it's easy to forget that Jesus goes the distance. He takes the journey with us. He paid the price for us. He would walk to the ends of the earth for us. Each one of us. Isn't that amazing?

http://youtu.be/O3tNylJr7Z4

If You Give a Mom A Nap...(styled after If You Give a Mouse a Cookie)

If you give a mom a nap,

It's likely that she'll think to pop a load of laundry in the washer real quick before laying down.

On the way to the washer, she'll notice that everyone's sheets changing too, so she'll do that lickedy-split.

After replacing the sheets, she will see that Dad apparently doesn't know how to fold towels and have to re-do them.

Once the towels are folded, Mom will decide she wants a glass of water before laying down for her much-needed nap.

In the kitchen, she will see that they are out of eggs and start a grocery list.

As she's sorting through the pantry to see what else is needed, she will start to clean out the back of the pantry.

An hour later, after she's thrown all the expired goods away, she'll think to haul the trash outside.

On the way, she will switch the clothes from the washer to the dryer.

And when she gets outside to put the trash bag into the bin, the kids will be getting off the bus.

Sorry, Mom, no nap for you today.

This post was written using MamaKat's Writing Prompts.

Mom, Where Are My Shoes?

Before school one day last week, SB came to me very upset.
"Mom. I can't find my boots," she huffed, tears welling up in her eyes.
I, sympathetic as always, say, "You wore them yesterday. Where did you take them off?"
Now we have tear spillage. "I don't know!"

In our house, shoes go into the Shoe Bin. All the shoes are supposed to go off of feet and into bin. I try to keep everything organized by bin, but SB has lately taken to keeping her shoes in her room because two small shoes can be easily lost in a bin with 41 other shoes (yes, 41, because there's always a shoe missing).

"Are they in your room?"
"No," she assures me. "I looked there."
So we check the living room. No boots.
We look in the kitchen - entry way to our house - and no boots.
We look in the dining room, play room and her brother's room and no boots.

Finally I go back to her room.
And sitting on the floor, square in the middle of the floor, are those darn boots.

Seriously? Seriously?
"SB! I thought you said you looked in your room!"
She runs to her room and proclaims, "I did! They're not here!"
Then she sees the boots. In the middle of the floor. Where, I can only assume, she put them the night before so as not to lose them.
"Oh," she says, "How did they get there?"

Sometimes, I think she does this just to mess with me.

I remember so many times not being able to find things right under my nose. My mom was an expert finder, too.

I've Been Tagged, Come On, It' Fun!

Let’s play tag!

 

Yay! I was tagged by Sarah at The Mama Pirate Go check out her answers too, she is awesome!

Here are the rules:

1. You must post the rules

2. Post 12 fun facts about yourself in the blog post

3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and then create 12 new questions for the people you tagged.

4. Tag 12 people & link them on your post. (or as many as you like)

5. Let them know you’ve tagged them.

12 Facts all about me!

1.      I am scared to death of clowns.
2.      My favorite animal is the elephant.
3.      I enrolled my children in preschool not to enrich their education or to socialize them, but to get them out of my hair.
4.      Adoption is the coolest and also saddest thing ever.
5.      I’m a junk-food addict and I hate fruit except for apples (red only) and the occasional grape (also red/purple only).
6.      I cried when my husband moved “his” stuff into “our” house when we got married. I was ready for him, just not all his junk.
7.      I could drink milk all day, every day. It’s my beverage of choice besides sweet tea.
8.      I don’t like cheese, despite my love of dairy. But I will eat pizza and cheez-its like they’re going out of style. But just cheese, lasagna, or grilled cheese? GROSS!
9.      I will do anything myself to save a few dollars. Unless it’s a household chore of some type. Then I say pay someone to do it!
10.  My favorite colors are purple and orange and I think Clemson might have had something to do with that.
11.  I have completed 2 novels and am almost done with a 3^rd. Now if only I had a publisher…
12.  If I could, I would throw away every toy in my house. Not because I’m a mean mommy, just because I’m so tired of the clutter.

Sarah’s questions to me:

1. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Cookies & cream

2. Do you have any tattoos? How many and what of? Been inked 5 times into 3 tattoos – First was my heart-shaped music note (age 20). Loved it. Then had the not-so-bright idea to add a fairy sprinkling fairy dust over said music note (age 21). Except it turned out as Bart Simpson in Tinkerbelle’s dress and my “sprinkling” turned into a “waterfall.” Then I had it touched up so Bart became a little more feminine (age 22). My cousin and I got matching 4-leaf clovers between our shoulder blades, and that means a lot to me (age 26). Then while fighting to keep our son I got snowflakes on my calf to represent our family (age 29). I’m itching for more! They’re addictive!

3. What was your first pet? Mine personally? My long-haired Chihuahua Marcel. He’s almost 13 now!

4. Favorite day of the week? Tuesday. Always has been.

5. Least favorite chore? Any of them that involve cleaning or washing.

6. What inspired your blog name? It started out as Mommy’s Scoop, but evolved into my being “A Few Sprinkles Short of a Sundae.”

7. How do you unwind at the end of the day? Reading

8. If you were going to be reincarnated as an animal, what would you want to come back as? I don’t believe in reincarnation, so I would say nothing.

9. What is your favorite site to get the news from? Facebook!

10. What was the last place you went on vacation? Disney World – last week!

11. What is your favorite holiday? Saint Patrick’s day!

12. What is the first thing you do when you get online? (check you e-mail, read blogs, get on Facebook, etc.) Facebook!

My Questions:

1.      Who inspires you and why?
2.      Do you prefer skill games (Risk), chance games (Life), trivia games (Trivial Pursuit) or wordy games (Scrabble)?
3.      Do you take a daily vitamin? Do you think you should?
4.      What are your strange habits?
5.      Do you like your name? Why or why not?
6.      If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?
7.      Oreos – regular or double stuf?
8.      Tell me about your pets.
9.      Do you want (more) children?
10.  Who is your favorite TV character and why?
11.  What piece of technology can’t you live without (phone, ipad, laptop, etc)?
12.  If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

OK, tagging a few people:

Amy at Blessed

Embracing theCraziness

Empty Womb, HopefulHeart

Jess Clark

Mommy’s Crutch

The Beholder of Beauty

and anyone else who wants to jump in! Let me know your answers!

What I Learned at Disney

We had a great time at Disney World, but then, who doesn't? Right? It was awesome and magical and all that stuff you think of. Blah, we've all heard it before.

But here are a few things I learned in Disney World that one might not expect.

• Timeshares are truly awesome. Hotels are not. We are so lucky that we were incredibly stupid years ago and bought a time share. That meant that instead of a hotel room, we had a 1200 square foot condo to stay in. We had a full kitchen, two bedrooms, two bathrooms and 3 televisions. (At home, we only have one bathroom and one television - this was so cool!) We *heart* timeshares!
• The lines at Disney aren't really as long as they say. At least in January... We had several lines that said 20 minutes, but we never waited that long - and that was a good thing. And that was more or less the longest wait time we had for anything that didn't have a fastpass.
• Leggings are NOT ATTRACTIVE! Unless you're a size 2, don't wear them. And please, for the love of God, please don't bend over. Not only do I not want to see the out line of your panties, I also don't want to know the color and pattern on them. We can see right through those leggings!
• Children are old as 10 can comfortably ride in a stroller and still fall asleep. Seriously. I was shocked, too.
• Soft-sided coolers are the best invention ever. We took our lunch, snacks and drinks every day with us into the park because we're cheap thrifty on a budget. Sure we bought some ice creams, but otherwise, nada! It was a lifesaver (those lines were longer than the ride ones!).
• You can eat like a horse and still lose weight! I think our entire group would agree. We ate - very well - between the packed lunches, snacks, ice cream and homemade meals every night complete with cookies. But with all the walking around, we managed to come out on top. My mother-in-law lost 2 pounds last week!
• When your child is scared of characters with giant heads, be grateful they even get into the picture in the first place. SB is scared to death of characters with fake heads (as I've said before) and this was no exception. She was a little wary of all the characters. Mac - no fear. Ever!    

• Portable DVD players are the bomb. When you're in the car for 12 hours, you need entertainment. Our old DVD player broke a while back, but we were able to borrow a friend's and it was amazing. Wall-E, Shrek and Peanuts kept the kids entertained for HOURS! 
• My kids really are growing up. SB rode her first full-sized roller coasters this week. I can't believe it! Her words after her first one, "That was awesome. Let's do it again!"  

• There really is magic in Disney World. It was amazing watching my kids' faces light up like they did. It literally brought tears to my eyes seeing how things affected them. *sigh* It was grand!

Oh, Hostess, How you Taunt Me

When I was a little girl, these were my all-time favorite thing:

But then about 20 years ago (OMG! 20 years?!??!?!?) we moved from Maryland to South Carolina where Hostess was nowhere to be found, only Little Debbie.

Now, many of their products are similar. But dear, sweet Debbie did not have Frosted Orange Flavored Cakes with Creamy Filling. None. Anywhere. I looked. A lot.

As a a child far from home with a wicked sweet tooth, this was a deathly blow.

But for 20 years my family has been kindly bestowing the orange fluffy goodness upon me for things like birthdays and other random times. And any time I ventured north I scoured stores for the elusive cakes, hoarding them when I found them and not letting anyone else have any. I still don't let the kids have them.

But slowly Hostess has been moving in a southern direction. I noticed Twinkies, then HoHos (who names a cake HoHo anyway?). I have been monitoring the small shelves for months now, waiting patiently.

Then it happened. Little orange packages of sunshine! They had arrived! Twenty years after I got here, my Hostess cupcakes did too! Yay!

All is right with the world again. But I'm still not sharing with the kids. They can find $1.29 and buy cupcakes for themselves.

Zooey Deschanel Stars in...

This week's MamaKat writing prompt was "Your life is being turned into a movie...who will play your cast of characters?"

I thought this was an excellent question, but I had to wonder why I wouldn't play myself. Then I remembered that I'm short and pudgy and probably not a great actress even though I pretend I am. And that I'm famous. And tall and thin. 

But if someone out there wanted to make a movie of my life (anyone? I'd love to help write the screenplay!), these are the actors who would be in it.

Initially I wanted Julia Roberts circa 1995 to play me and Harrison Ford circa 1980 to play Marshall...
but I decided I better pick people in the current time era.

Starring as Allison: Zooey Deschanel

Why the fab Zooey? Because she's a little bit gorgeous and a lot quirky. Of course, she has dark hair and pale skin, so we're pretty much twins, right? Right? And man can she sing. Of course, the story of my life would be a musical!

My first thought for Marshall was the gorgeous TR Knight, but he's not tall enough. And the very yummy Taye Diggs is...well...black. So I kept thinking auditioning lead males.

As Marshall: Goran Visnjic (you know, the hot doc from ER)

I like Goran because not only is he a hunk, but he does both brooding and funny in his expressions. And my husband is both brooding and funny. And both are tall, tanned and have dark hair. And Goran can rock a 5 o'clock shadow as well as my man.

For Thing 1 & Thing 2 I had a harder time. I don't know of any kidlet actors out there, really, because Lindsay Lohan and Kiersten Dunst aren't kids any more...

For SB: Abigail Breslin

She's a good bit older than SB, but then again, what life-turned-movie isn't exaggerated a little, right? But she's young, very talented and hair the right hair.

(If her character grows up, I totally want Emma Stone to play her!)

And Mac? Well, we have all seen those grown up photos of the adorable Jonathan Lipnicki who now had rock hard abs...he's not a kid anymore either. 

So I chose: Tate Berney

He played little Adam Chandler on my soap All My Children. A cute little boy with a killer smile like my little boy. I think it's a good fit.

And others in the cast:

Katherine Heigl as Michelle the BFF

Aarti Mann as the other BFF Sindu

Christine Baranski as my mom, Laura

Welcome!!! Have Some Ice Cream!!

Oh, thank goodness you're here! I was having a hard time keeping the ice cream away from the kids! I saved it just for you.
In case you haven't heard, it's my SITS Feature Day!

It's like a birthday, only better because I get comments. But the double-fun is that my birthday (yep - the 3rd anniversary of my 29th birthday!) is on Christmas Day, so we can celebrate BOTH!
Two scoops for everyone!

If you're new to A Few Sprinkles Short of a Sundae or not, it doesn't matter, I have ICE CREAM! Just don't touch my sprinkles! I'm already short.

For those of you NOT used to my sarcasm and superfluous use of exclamation marks (!!!!), I'm Allison. I'm a Christian woman, wife and mother - both biological and adoptive. I'm an avid adoption blogger and I also strive to let other moms out there know that they are not alone in this vast world of motherhood and all the twists and turns our busy lives provide.

This is me, wild hair and all!!

And yes, that is a halo above my head! Actually, I took this pic of myself at Bloggy Boot Camp Atlanta and I had the hardest time trying to hide that darn halo. Just ask my Tribe Members - I bet they saw it!

This is my family:

 

We are made up of two crazy trombone players who met when we were 13 years old, started dating at 17, and got married at 22! We have a biological daughter, SB, and an adopted son, Mac. We also have two heaven-bound children whom I cannot wait to see one day seated at the feet of Jesus.

Now, to find out more about who *I* am, check my about me page, and please please check out My Testimony about trusting God! These both include abridged versions of our story regarding infertility, miscarriage, giving birth and fighting tooth and nail to adopt.
And if you just want to know what the best posts are, I have a tab for that, too. See The Posts You Don't Want to Miss!

Oh, you want to know why I'm A Few Sprinkles Short of a Sundae? Good question. You see, way back in 2006 I started a blog about my pregnancy. Then it evolved into talking about my baby and our quest to adopt through foster care. And then we went into the fight of our lives to keep our son both with us and safe, so that blog came down and this one - which is slightly more anonymous - came up. I called it "Mommy's Scoop." And from the scoop came being "A Few Sprinkles Short of a Sundae," to indicate that I don't have all the answers.

There is so much more that I want to say, but I'll stop here and let you explore! I hope you enjoy your stay and have another scoop of ice cream!


Follow @SprinklesofAlli




 

I'm on Facebook, too!

No, You Cannot Sword Fight Girls

My son has recently discovered sword fighting. He's three. I blame the blockbuster Puss in Boots for this new obsession.

http://puss-in-boots-trailer.blogspot.com/

Vampire Pez dispenser? It's a sword.
Ramone from Cars? It's a sword.
SB's pink belt? It's a whipping sword.

And Mac keeps trying to sword fight his sister. SB, while she loved Kitty SoftPaws, has no real desire to duel with swords. Mac does not seem to get this and it keeps getting him in trouble.

This was our conversation tonight (in the car, mind you!).

• SB: Mom! Mac is using his noisy monster truck to sword fight me!
• Me: Mac, please don't use your truck as a sword.
• Mac: {Devilish laughter}
• Me: Mac, listen, your sister does not want to sword fight. In fact, you should not sword fight any girl. Girls are to be treasured and cherished, not sword fought.
• Mac: Okay...?
• Me: If you want to sword fight, you can do it at school, only at play time. And you should approach your guy friend...
• Mac: Dalton!
• Me: Okay, Dalton. You should approach Dalton and say, "Yo, Dalton, it's playtime, wanna sword fight?" And if he does he'll says, "Yeah, Man, that sounds awesome. Let's go!" And then you can sword fight. But if Dalton doesn't want to sword fight he'll say, "You know, I'm having fun swinging right now. How 'bout I check it out later, yo?" And then you do not sword fight Dalton, you see if Coby or Eli want to sword fight. But under NO circumstances are you to ask Mattie, Helena, Megan or Emma if they want to sword fight. They are girls. They do not sword fight. You got me?
• Mac: Yes. I understand. I'll say, "Dalton do you wanna sword fight?" And he will say, "Of course I do!"

(I love how I was using the cool slang and my son repeated that as "of course.")


But anyway...if my son asks you (if you're female) or your daughter to sword fight, please redirect him towards another member of the male race. And try to teach him some slang while you're at it.

All About Bloggy Boot Camp

I spent a lot of time looking up info about blog conferences and Bloggy Boot Camp in particular, so I thought I would share my experience with you.

I drove to Atlanta Friday. I made plans to stay with a friend and have dinner. Then BBC announced a Friday night pre-conference social. So I missed that completely. Love my friends, but wish I could have done both.

I did sign up for the breakfast the morning of, though, and that was nice. I was a little nervous coming in, but I took a deep breath, sat down and did what I do best - I started talking.

After breakfast, we all went down to the ballroom floor for the conference. We had a packed schedule including eight sessions. For each of the morning sessions we changed tables where we quickly threw business cards at each other then tried to figure out who each other were. It was a great way to meet people and I was happy to sit with some of my bloggy friends!

One of my favorite topics was Avoiding Bloggy Burnout from Stacey Nerdin who compared blogging to the Twilight series. Which I have never read or seen. But I still thought it was hilarious and informative. I have found my tribe (we are not vampires) and I'm making tough choices (I just wrote an entire post and decided I didn't like it - deleted! Stacey compared it to choosing Team Jacob or Team Sparkly Boy (who's name I can't recall)).

We had a TON of conference sponsors and many of them spoke to the group. Invisalign & Mirassou Winery were two. Loved the wine. Nobody in my world at the moment needs Invisalign, but maybe one day!

Lunch was appropriately at lunch time. It was typical. Moving on.

We did our breakout session, where I attending the writing track. I really enjoyed it and doing the exercises. Writing is my passion. The other track in Atlanta was business, which I have no head for and that's fine by me.

After the sessions we headed back up to the 25th floor for the cocktail party. I loved the cocktail party. It was fun to talk to the women and make rounds to those I had not met yet. Of course, I also spent a lot of time with my little group where I timidly asked if they would be my tribe (no vampires necessary). It was a time to let a little loose and take those all important celebrity pictures in front of the Bloggy Boot Camp backdrop!

After the party, several of us went for dinner at the hotel restaurant. Special to Atlanta: there was also a costume party where I pleaded with someone dressed as Cruella DeVille to pose for pics with us. I told her we would make her famous!

This is such a short version of what happened, but you probably don't want every single detail anyway, do you?

When's Open Mic Night?

I fancy myself something of a comedienne. Everybody tells me I'm funny, therefore I must be. Right?

Just the other day I was chatting with someone I haven't seen in some months at church (we have a church of 2,000, so not seeing someone for months is very possible!). She commented that I had lost weight - which I have not.
So I said, "Well, if you say I have, then sure! I'll take it!" I didn't think this was particularly funny or brilliant, but this woman did.
She said that I needed to do stand-up comedy.
And since I would love to do stand-up, but there's not much opportunity in our small rural area, I replied, "I would love to! When is Wal-Mart's open mic night?"

She so did not get it. She gave me the deer in headlights look...head cocked to one side, eyes bright. "Huh?"

So I guess I'm not as funny as I might think I am - or as funny as this woman thought either.

But hey - if Wal-Mart ever does an open mic night, I'm totally there. You'll come laugh at my bad jokes, right?

Jazzercise

I admit it. I've been going to Jazzercise.

At first I was incredibly embarrassed about it, but then I thought it was a great way to make fun of myself so why not put it out there for the world to see?

So The BFF and I (with the fams) went to Clemson's Welcome Back Students festival. Not sure why. We're not students anymore and we're not "back." We've been here. Anyway, we went. And every business under the sun was passing out fliers and coupons. We love coupons.
So the next day, BFF calls and says, "Hey, let's do the free Jazzercise class."
Me: "Um, no thanks. I don't really like beating myself up on purpose."
BFF: "Come on, come with me. It will be FUN."
Me: "There's no way in H-E-double L it will be fun. I'll probably puke."
She relented. I went to Jazzercise.

Now, if you were around in the 80s you probably have the same picture of Jazzercise as I do:

and also:

I was beginning to think I needed to hit up Goodwill to find the brightest leotard and stirrup pants I could possibly find and maybe some headbands and legwarmers to boot.

Instead I went 90s style and wore black leggins and a black tank top. BFF attempted to channel the 80s and wore orange (but in this town, Orange is next to Godliness).

Then I found out that Jazzercise is no longer like how I pictured and is now faced by the lovely Cheryl Burke of Dancing with the Stars...

Not sure she actually does the moves, but she endorses them. It's also backed by these gorgeous women, who's names I do not know, but I wish my back and stomach resembled these somewhat...

Though I have to tell you - this is 100% photoshopped...

So we go. And we sweat. And the instructor - who is probably my mom's age - has no trouble with her moves.
She's jumping and kicking.
BFF and I are huffing and puffing.
Instructor lays down on the floor and can bring herself up to sitting without using her arms. It's called a SIT-UP.
I've fallen and I can't get up.

The instructor also said we have SEVEN layers of muscle in our stomach.
I retorted to the BFF that I had TEN layers of fat fighting and winning that battle.
BFF told me to quit making her laugh and follow directions.
Spoil sport. I gotta laugh at something, right?

But I didn't puke. And I felt pretty good after. And for the super-low "student" discount price, I signed up (hey - I'm a student of life, right?).

I've been going a whole week now. I kinda like it. And listen, if my plus-sized booty can get out there and do it, so can you. I can't say it's the most fun I've had. Not by a long shot. It's hard work and if you know me, I prefer to read and write than bounce around with a bunch of other women - most of whom are OLDER and THINNER than I am. Way to make me feel good.

I got some new kicks, which are pretty awesome (I'm told we can still say "kicks," dig it.). And I'm totally channeling my 80s vibe:

My instructor LOVED them. She was probably my age in the 80s.

I don't know what will happen with Jazzercise. Yes, I'm plus sized and could stand to lose some weight. But that's not why I'm going. I want more energy. I want to feel better about myself inside and out and I know that exercising is a good way to do that. If I happen to lose 20 or 60 pounds, that's great, but if not... I'm just in it for the laughs.