My Son is Amazing

I can only imagine what would have happened to my son had he not been adopted.

Adoption Day

He entered foster care at about six months old. He was placed with a kind foster family. When we met them I could tell they cared deeply for him. I wish I knew more about that time in his life, but I don't. It's sad, but I'd rather have the next 50 years than that one year.

We brought Mac home when he was 10 months old. It was 3 days before Christmas. We had his first Christmas, first steps, first birthday. I am so thankful God granted us that time!

It took 21 months to adopt him due to an unforeseen custody battle with the family he was removed from. But he's ours, 100%. That was 2.5 years ago. So hard to believe!

Now Mac is an amazing 5 year old. He is the kindest child you will ever meet. He often gives up his portion of treats or prizes so other people can have them. He is selfless to a fault (I often have to remind him that he deserves treats as well and to stop giving things away all the time). He's a charmer - all females love him from young to old. I think it's because he's just so inviting and open, people are drawn to him.

Mac is fiercely loyal to his family, especially his brother and sister. While I know he and SB fight all the time, they would defend each other to anyone for anything. And with Jay - he is smitten with that baby. Always hugging him and playing with him. I love to see him interact with his siblings.

We would never know this about him if we had not adopted him. In fact, I wonder if he would have been like this had he remained in the family he was born in to. I'm not trying to bash them, but they were not good people. They did not nurture him.

My son is amazing. He is a quality human being. He is smart, funny, giving, talented, bubbly, dedicated, athletic... And he is MY son. My son. Thank you, Lord, for this amazing boy.

And he wouldn't be my son if it weren't for the gift of adoption.

Have you considered it?

Adoption Security or Usurped Feelings?

One of my biggest struggles as a parent right now is making sure my adopted child, Mac, knows that he is and always will be a part of our family. I think this is something all adoptive parents do throughout their child's life, but I guess I feel an extra need to do so now because I'm pregnant.

Right now it's easy - we have one biological child and one adopted child, one girl and one boy, and everything is even-steven. But with the impending arrival of bio-child #2 and boy #2 I wonder if our son will feel usurped in any way.

And yes, people will tell me I'm over-thinking this, and maybe I am. But, regardless, I never want Mac to feel like he's been replaced because we suddenly had "our own" son. I want him to always know he is our own son, even if his DNA is different from ours.

But the question arises how to do that. How do you make a 4-year-old feel secure when he doesn't recognize that his actions are pointing to feeling insecure? (He's been lying, acting out, and other things that tell us he's having a hard time coping with something.)

Right now my only answer is to spend a lot of time with him. I make a point of giving him extra cuddle time. When he misbehaves I'm trying to look at his motives and see what might have prompted his misdeed. Does he need some extra attention? Is he feeling left out of something?
He's very invested in this baby, too. He calls it his baby. He wants to listen to the baby. I hope that by feeling connected to this new baby he will also feel secure in his position as Big Brother.

I've talked to other moms who have adopted and bio children, but I think I have a unique situation in that most families I know adopted then went on to have bio children. Whereas we had a biochild first, then adopted, and are now having another biochild. Still, I am reassured that their adopted child(ren) have not resented their parent's biological offspring or felt like they had lost their position within the family.

If you are an adoptive and bio parent - what did you do to help your adopted child feel more secure in your family? Your feedback is appreciated!

When I Met a Boy

One of MamaKat's Writing Prompts this week was Describe where you were when you met a boy.

So I thought I would tell you about where I was when I met my son. He was a boy, and I had to meet him.

I first saw my son's picture on Dec 7, 2008. A cute little guy with ears that stuck out. My husband and I said yes - we wanted to bring him home.

Mac, once we got him home.

On Dec 22, we put SB in the car and we drove two hours to a small, stinky trailer where the wallpaper was literally peeling off the walls. The place reeked of smoke so much that my eyes burned.
But the people inside were quiet, nice. Our son's foster parents were a little older, but not old. They both had tears in their eyes and did not smile. They had taken care of our son for three months - I'm sure they were attached to him, used to him, felt like they knew him.
Then I saw him. The little boy from the picture. He was sitting in a baby walker, bumping along in that tiny trailer. Three days before Christmas and he was wearing a white "wife-beater" tank top, blue plaid pants and navy blue shoes. His cheeks were as red as Rodolph's nose. He had bronchitis and a double ear-infection.
The social worker had told me not to take a ton of pictures in their house, so I refrained and sadly don't have any pictures from that first hour. But that's okay. I have the boy.
We stayed for about an hour. I asked if the baby had a lovey - a blanket or toy he loved. They said no. And he didn't take a pacifier either. He never cried, they said (we later learned he did not know how to cry), and was an easy baby.


His things were in two big black trash bags. One was Christmas gifts still wrapped up. I felt bad that they had probably had to remove those things from under their tree. I realized later that his name had been on one of those angel trees because all the gifts were pricey. I prayed and silently thanked those who were willing to give to my son.
When SB - who had just turned two - announced she was ready to go, we left. I took one picture of my son with his foster parents. For their privacy I won't share it here. We put the kids in the car and left.

Mac and his social worker

We got home and put SB down for a nap. We looked at the expressionless little boy in front of us and wondered what to do with him. He was 10 months old and I had no idea what his schedule was, what he ate, what he enjoyed. I suddenly wished I had the foster parents' phone number to call and ask, but we never saw or heard from them again.
I washed his things twice and they still reeked of smoke. I threw it all away. I kept two little stuffed animals and a blanket his foster mother had crocheted for him.

It's been almost 3.5 years and I will never forget the day I met my son, Mac. This is part of his story.

Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Cheating

On Adoption.

I really love blogging about adoption. And talking about it. And anything that has to do with adoption. I'm a huge adoption proponent and we do plan to adopt again one day.

So one of my first thoughts about finding myself pregnant is that I'm cheating on adoption.

I mean, I was the little kid who asked my parents why people kept having babies when there were so many who needed homes already. Why not just adopt them?
And I still feel that way.

I do understand the sentiment of, "It's a little piece of me that will keep on going after I'm gone," but I feel that way about my adoptive child just as I do my biological child. I see no difference just because my son's DNA is different.

However, when one goes through infertility and miscarriage, achieving a sustainable pregnancy is quite an accomplishment. It's very exciting and of course you would do nothing in the world to jeopardize it.

But I do sort of feel like the adoption community will think I've turned my back on them. I promise, I haven't. Adoption is still the most beautiful thing I can imagine. It builds families and I love that.

So don't think I'm going to stop talking about adoption just because I'm pregnant. It will never stop!

They Didn't Call

Part of our agreement in adopting Mac was that a certain set of his biorelatives would have visits with him four times a year.

I don't really blog about it because it's his and their time, not mine, even though we're all there and I have to answer the same 5 questions for 4 straight hours. But I won't go there. I work very hard not to speak ill of these people, because really they are fairly nice.

They were scheduled to have a visit with Mac in January. Typically, they call about 2 weeks before Visit Month and we set up a date and location for the visit. We've done everything from the zoo to the movies, museums to play parks.

Typically, I get a call for Christmas. They want to talk to "The Baby." I have to remind them that Mac is no longer a baby, but I think they just don't want to use the name we gave him. And typically we get a call for his birthday, having just passed as you know.
And the visit is in-between where they inundate him with old toys he's either too young or too old for and clothes that fit last year. But they mean very well and really do love him. They are very sweet and also usually bring SB a little gift as well.

But they didn't call. No phone calls or cards. No scheduled visit. Nothing. Now, these people are elderly. I've checked the obituaries, I hate to say. Nothing.

I know what you're saying - we could call them, but Marshall and I firmly feel that if they want to see him, they will call. It's not up to us to schedule their visits. We send cards and pictures at appropriate times (Christmas, his birthday, and after visits so they have pics from the visit.).

Did they give up on my son? As much as Marshall and I dread the visits, we think it's the best thing for Mac so we support them happening. They haven't missed one yet. I'm shocked.
I'm happy for me - we don't dislike these people, but we don't trust them with an inch.
But I am so very sad for my son. Why didn't they call? Did the last people from his biological family who cared give up? If they're sick or if they've died, would someone tell us?

Being part of a forced open adoption is a strange thing. It's all so unknown.
I think I will send a card to them with Mac's birthday pics in it... maybe we'll get something back. Even if it's bad news.

Four Years Ago...

Four years ago, this was a regular old day for me. But it was the day my son was born.
I've said before that knowing NOTHING about his birth has made me sad. I had no idea what was happening, I had no idea that a precious little boy was being born who would need us and would come into our lives like a whirlwind. I even checked my calendar after he did come home - and there was nothing on my calendar for that day.
It does make me sad. Many adoptive families were there when their child was born...or at least knew about it. No such luck for us. Now, if you ask me about the day he came home. That day gives me the warm fuzzies. That is the day I want to celebrate having a son.
But this day is the day my son was born. I am eternally grateful that his biological parents chose life for this precious child. I am eternally grateful that God chose us to be his family.

Mac is the most amazing child. He's all boy. He loves cars and Cars. And trains. And anything with wheels. He is LOUD and a ball of energy. He's mischievous and a daredevil. I don't get him, but I am so glad I got him. He's my baby. And he's four years old today.

Thank you, Lord, for this wonderful child!

I Remember the Day We Brought You Home...

I can hardly believe it's been three years since we brought home an adorable, quiet little 10-month-old boy. Three years since we signed the pre-adoption agreement that I *still* carry around in my purse. Three years since the social workers told us to take home a complete stranger and turn him into our son.

I love these eyes...

I still remember every detail. We met a tiny slip of a girl at the DSS office and followed her to a tiny little trailer in a town I still can't identify.
There we met two very nice people who were caring for a tiny little boy. The trailer reeked of smoke and the wall-paper was peeling. Apparently smoking is okay for foster parents (and I don't begrudge them that), but this place smelled terrible. Marshall and I held our breath for the better part of the hour we were there.
Then we met Mac. It was December 22 and he was wearing a wife-beater tank top. He was in a walker and we later learned he probably spent hours a day in that walker because that was his mode of conveyance - how he moved around. He had a double ear infection and bronchitis. All his clothes were in a grimy gym bag, with the rest in a black trash bag.
After being there an hour (in which time I hardly touched Mac, because the social worker said not to "swoop in and take him") SB announced she was ready to go home. Thank goodness for articulate 2-year-olds.
We loaded his things up and headed back to the DSS office to sign some papers. Then they told us to take him home. They would come in a few days to check on us.

Mac and the World's Best social worker, Amanda

Everything he had reeked of smoke. Everything. Nobody had told me not to wash a child's things because they "smell like home." I washed and rewashed everything. And then threw all but a few things in the trash because of the smell. One little toy that I put in his crib (he did not have a lovey, so that wasn't an issue), and I kept the pants and shoes he came home in. I think that was it.
Mac got a bath about 10 minutes after coming home to wash the smoke smell off of him.

We had a very rough go of it at first. I was incredibly sick/anxious for weeks. Mac would not sleep without sleeping ON someone for weeks. It was a long, hard road for us.

But now - now three years later. I am amazed. This is my child. He may not be flesh of my flesh, but he IS the love of my heart. He's gone from a blank - I do mean blank - child to an energetic, expressionful, gorgeous child.

Happy Gotcha Day to my wonderful Mackie-Boy, Mac-Man, Mac Attack, Macaroni. My son.

A confident and loved little boy...

Welcome!!! Have Some Ice Cream!!

Oh, thank goodness you're here! I was having a hard time keeping the ice cream away from the kids! I saved it just for you.
In case you haven't heard, it's my SITS Feature Day!

It's like a birthday, only better because I get comments. But the double-fun is that my birthday (yep - the 3rd anniversary of my 29th birthday!) is on Christmas Day, so we can celebrate BOTH!
Two scoops for everyone!

If you're new to A Few Sprinkles Short of a Sundae or not, it doesn't matter, I have ICE CREAM! Just don't touch my sprinkles! I'm already short.

For those of you NOT used to my sarcasm and superfluous use of exclamation marks (!!!!), I'm Allison. I'm a Christian woman, wife and mother - both biological and adoptive. I'm an avid adoption blogger and I also strive to let other moms out there know that they are not alone in this vast world of motherhood and all the twists and turns our busy lives provide.

This is me, wild hair and all!!

And yes, that is a halo above my head! Actually, I took this pic of myself at Bloggy Boot Camp Atlanta and I had the hardest time trying to hide that darn halo. Just ask my Tribe Members - I bet they saw it!

This is my family:

 

We are made up of two crazy trombone players who met when we were 13 years old, started dating at 17, and got married at 22! We have a biological daughter, SB, and an adopted son, Mac. We also have two heaven-bound children whom I cannot wait to see one day seated at the feet of Jesus.

Now, to find out more about who *I* am, check my about me page, and please please check out My Testimony about trusting God! These both include abridged versions of our story regarding infertility, miscarriage, giving birth and fighting tooth and nail to adopt.
And if you just want to know what the best posts are, I have a tab for that, too. See The Posts You Don't Want to Miss!

Oh, you want to know why I'm A Few Sprinkles Short of a Sundae? Good question. You see, way back in 2006 I started a blog about my pregnancy. Then it evolved into talking about my baby and our quest to adopt through foster care. And then we went into the fight of our lives to keep our son both with us and safe, so that blog came down and this one - which is slightly more anonymous - came up. I called it "Mommy's Scoop." And from the scoop came being "A Few Sprinkles Short of a Sundae," to indicate that I don't have all the answers.

There is so much more that I want to say, but I'll stop here and let you explore! I hope you enjoy your stay and have another scoop of ice cream!


Follow @SprinklesofAlli




 

I'm on Facebook, too!

The Face of Adoption

It's the end of National Adoption Month. I appreciate your readership. When I first started blogging about adoption many people told me I was depressing them with the facts I provided and I have changed to lighten things up more.
But the truth is that foster care, orphans and adoptions all start off as very sad events. I do think adoption is a miracle, but in order for an adoption to take place hearts must first be broken and that's never fun.

First/Birth/Bio parents and families either make the loving decision to place their child for adoption, breaking their hearts in the process. My good friend Ellie, who is a bio-mom, said, " I held her, alone, and as we watched ‘The Little Mermaid’ together, I imparted to her all the wisdom I had at that age. I held her for what I thought would be the last time.  And then it was time to go.  I stood up, walked across the room, and placed her in her mother’s arms.  Somehow, I turned around and walked away.  My mother, father, and brother held me up on the way back to my room..." Her heart broke. She had to heal and years later healing is still a part of the process.

Other times, children are left in orphanages where they receive less than adequate care and end up with attachment disorders, breaking their hearts and the hearts of the families who adopt them. My friend Terry told me last year, "Only 10% of the orphans in Russia get adopted. The rest live their lives in orphanages until age 16, when they are released. Most then turn to lives of crime, if they survive at all. It's hard knowing that my child suffered hardships most American adults have never even known, and all before she was even 2 years old. It has left its scars. Sometimes I wish she hadn't gone through that."

And others still, adopted through foster care, go through the experience of being taken from their first families. I can't imagine how my own son felt as a baby being taken from the only family he had even known, placed with a different family, then as soon as he had adjusted there being taken out again to come home with us. I can't imagine his heartache there, or that of the people in his first family who did love him. And we also had our hearts broken by not only our son's story but all the stories of those in foster care.

But through this brokenness comes joy. Through the heartache comes life. Family. Forged through paperwork, through tears, through plane trips and nervous hours. In our house we say, "Adoption means forever" and it does.

Not everyone is called to adopt, and that's fine. Support those are are. Encourage them. Take them meals, offer to fold their laundry and be their friend.
But if you are called to adopt and you're just waiting for "the right time" - THIS IS IT! This is the right time. There are 147 MILLION orphans in this world. There are over 105,000 children in the US waiting to be adopted. If each adult in my county and the county next to ours opened their homes to ONE orphan in the US - there would be no orphans left. Seriously. Two counties in South Carolina could eliminate the foster care orphan crisis in the United States. NOW IS THE TIME! Don't wait. Your child might be spending the holidays wondering where Mommy & Daddy are.

In our house, adoption month is every month. It's a part of our world every single day.

We are the face of adoption.

Blood is NOT Thicker than Water

We all know the phrase "Blood is thicker than water." And we all know round about what it means. According to wikipedia,

"Blood is thicker than water" is a German proverb (originally: Blut ist dicker als Wasser.), which is also common in English speaking countries. It generally means that the bonds of family and common ancestry are stronger than those bonds between unrelated people (such as friendship).

http://www.flickr.com/photos/catmacbride/5425766021/ by CatMacBride

It means that your family trumps others, right?
But does blood have to define a family?

Are you married? You are not (or should not be) related to your spouse by blood. And that person is family. How about your in-laws?
Do you have a step-parent or step-child whom you love dearly? No blood ties there, either.

And, of course, the adoptive child.
Yes. I share blood with my daughter. But not with my son. Or my husband for that matter. I'm only blood related to 1/3 of the people I live with!

So then, according to this ancient proverb, I should be more willing to die for SB than for Marshall or Mac.

Well, that's just not true. Not at all. I would die for any of them and blood has nothing to do with it.
No blood there.

And one day Mac will realize that we do not share blood with him. He will realize he does share blood with three other children, two birth parents and a host of extended family. Will that mean more to him than us - the family that raised him and loved him his whole life?
I hope not.
I hope, though, that he does see that there is a bond between those who share blood. I may not have biological siblings, but I have two cousins whom I love as if they were sisters. They are my kids' aunts, their children my kids' cousins. We share blood and we are close.

But, since I am an only child, I've had to "adopt" siblings (not legally, just figuratively). My BFF and the NotMine's are my family. I consider NotMine1 & NotMine2 my nieces, the BFF and her hubby are like my siblings. I love them dearly, I would sacrifice a great deal for them.

I share blood with my cousins, but not with the BFF. But all are my family. Just like both SB and Mac are my children - who shares my blood makes no difference.

I want both my children (and any others we may have in the future) to know that it's not blood that makes a family. It's love. It's commitment. It's an on-going decision to make an effort for those we want to be in our family.

Like a marriage - it must be fought for, it must be treasured, if it is to be preserved.

Blood is not thicker than water in this house. Love is. Love is thicker that them both.

Adoption Bloggers Interview Project: Lori

I am taking part in the Adoption Bloggers Interview Project and am so excited to bring you an interview with Lori Lavender Luz of Write Mind Open Heart. Lori was named one of Parenting Magazine's Top-10 Must Read Moms! What an honor! So needless to say I was a little nervous about sending this adoptive mom of two my interview questions.

But Lori was fabulous and she had a real heart for open adoption. That certainly intrigues me since we have a forced closed and yet also forced open adoption.

So without further ado, here is my interview with the fab Lori!

• You wrote on your blog that you taught students that geography determines how they chose certain aspects of their life – sports teams, religion and politics. How did you come up with this wise analogy? Is there anything else that can be subbed in for those choices? Sexual orientation? Socio-economic status (city vs country, state to state, & globally)? Divorce rates? 

 After my husband and I got married, I marveled that my husband's "clan" in Boston loved the Patriots with the same fervor that my clan loved the Broncos. How could this be? I had grown up with the One True Team, hadn't I? Later on, my husband and I moved to Syria for two years and found that our new Muslim friends (who were overwhelmingly warm, kind, loving and compassionate, despite the way Muslims are often portrayed in western media) were as devoted to Allah and to honoring the five pillars of Islam as my clan was in living a Christ-like life and using the Ten Commandments as a guide. How could this be? Hadn't I grown up with the One True Religion?

Same with politics. We absorb what we're exposed to and it becomes our default setting, only we may not be aware that we HAVE a default setting in these areas. We might just think everyone else is wrong.

As for the other aspects you mention, I suppose it is possible in all areas to think that your way is the One True Way, but I don't really hear people arguing that it's better to be homosexual than hetero, better to be poor than not-poor, or that divorced families are better than intact families. Rather I hear people asking for acceptance of differences, not an insistence on a hierarchy.

• What made you decide to go with domestic infant adoption versus international, foster or other kinds of adoption? Did you ever feel that adoption was a “second choice” for you and your husband? Did your feelings on that change after your first adoption?

Although we also went to information sessions for international and foster adoption programs, we were fairly clear from the start that domestic infant adoption would be the way for us. As for being second choice in building a family, it depends on what you mean by "second." Yes, we did try to become parents in the old-fashioned way first and through adoption second, so if you mean in chronological terms, the answer is yes. I wrote about this in a post, In adoption, last means best.

• You have contact with your children’s birth parents, how would you handle things if that was not an option? Would you have sought any level of openness if you had adopted through foster care? Or helped your child find their roots if you had adopted internationally? Why/why not?

Well that would make me very sad to have no contact with the birth parents of either of my children. If we had gone with foster adoption or international adoption and if I knew then what I know now, I would pursue any openness we could get (assuming openness made sense; clearly, there are times when it wouldn't, such as if our family's safety were at stake). Writers who have influenced me on this topic are SocialWrkr24/7 and the book Bones that Float by Kari Grady Grossman, who tracked down her sons birth family in Cambodia and found so much more.

Openness is a good way to help an adopted child heal the split between his biology and his biography because it minimizes the space (physical and/or emotional) between his two sets of parents.

• Why do you think envisioning disrupting your adoption helped you to realize that you actually did not want to do that and that you were indeed bonded to your child? Was that a risky move on the part of your counselor? (I ask because I also had to do the same thing when dealing with severe post-adoption anxiety.)

Because it put choice back into my equation. Having choice is key to someone who is stuck. I suppose it was risky, now that I think about it, but my therapist must have had both trust in me and the process, as well as experience with other stuck clients, in order to have had such certainty about the outcome.

• If you encounter someone with PADS (or PPD) do you encourage them that some days just getting dressed is indeed a victory? (citing this post: http://drama2bmama.blogspot.com/2010/01/how-did-mom-do-this.html) How else can someone encourage a person going through post-child depression?

Yes. I would encourage the person to be gentle with herself. And to get help, in the form of counseling, and in being able to take a break once in awhile -- a trusted friend or neighbor or relative stepping in for just an hour at a time. Perhaps at the root of the depression is fear of not being up to the task, and that can often be eased by getting just one night of good sleep, by having some space in which to regain perspective, and by being gentle with oneself. This is so hard to do when you're running on fumes! Sometimes getting dressed is a huge victory, as is just managing to get a meal on the table, even if it's mac & cheese. As my yoga teachers say, "we count success in small measures."

How to encourage a person? That's a tough question and I'm not a therapist. But what helped me was family members letting me know they would be there when I got too close to Overwhelm. That friends sat with me while I cried, not trying to fix me but simply abiding with me. And that my husband picked up the slack when I was incapable. And that they all reflected back to me their faith that I would come out on the other side intact, even when I was certain there WAS no other side.

• What does your family like to do together as a family unit? What do you do to further strengthen your familial bonds?

As I type we are on our way out to play family Nerf football in our front yard on this beautiful Fall day. We attend each others' choir concerts, basketball games and other activities -- often our extended family members are there, too. Once in awhile we go to a really cool bloggy event at the museum, theme park or movie theater. And we make a point to have dinner together almost every night, a steady point of connection in our lives.

 I loved reading all of Lori's responses, and I hope you did, too! Since my adopted child is still young, I love talking to those who are further along in parenting and gleam their wisdom. Lori is full of adoption wisdom. 

I am so glad you chose to visit us today for this interview and I hope you'll check out Lori's page.

All You Want to Know About Foster Care Paperwork

I know it's not a catchy title today, but it's not really a catchy topic either. It's informative.

Many people look at celebrities or even people they kinda-sorta know who have adopted and think it's a magical process. Signup, wait, bring home baby, end of story. Not quite.

There's a lot of paperwork involved. A lot. When we signed up for our private adoption there were tons of forms to fill out. But the forms to adopt through foster care were probably double that. the Department of Social Services has to make doubly sure that these families are forever since the child has already gone through some form of injustice.

So I thought today I would share with you some of the paperwork involved with adopting via foster care. When we decided to keep our profile open "just in case," we had to re-submit many of our forms. I took pics of them back then with the thought of sharing them with you all.

Here is a list of the papers that need to be filled out. You can see the ones that we did not have to redo (checked) and the ones that needed updating. (you can click the pic to make it bigger)

So even though we didn't have to redo about half of the paperwork, there was still a lot to do... A lot.

Medical forms, background checks, lots of nitty-gritty things. But there are two Big Things in this pile.

First is the openness check list. You tell the good folks at DSS how willing you are to be open with your future child's biological family. You all know our story. We are in a court-ordered open adoption with some of Mac's extended biofamily. We were willing to be open to an extent, but through the court order I think it's more open than we would like (we being Marshall and I, for selfish reasons. We do think this is the best arrangement for Mac, even if it's not for us).

I'm purposely covering our answers in this portion and the next because, well, it's none of your business what we will or will not do or accept. Each family is different.

The second part is The List.
The List is a daunting checklist of what you are willing to accept in a child. Things range from bedwetting to AIDS, from asthma to spina bifida, from sexually abused to starting fires. It's a scary list, I won't lie. The List could make many people turn in panic.
My advice with The List is to prayerfully consider each item. Read it once, have your spouse read it once, then read it together, THEN check things off.
And, be willing to "consider" many things that might scare you off. Remember, an adopted child should be no different than a biological child. Your bio child might have a cleft palate or spina bifida. You would deal with it then, right? Also be aware that many of these things, like spina bifida, asthma, and many other things that might scare you off may be very minor. Be willing to consider them! Crossing them off might mean crossing off the child God has intended for you.
Here is The List for South Carolina...

There's also a last page with incest and product of rape on it. Yeah - scary stuff! But don't let it daunt you. You can choose what you can and cannot handle. We made decisions for or against some things because it's best for our family, or for the safety of our kids or even our pets.

So, there you have it - some of the paperwork involved with foster care adoptions. Please note that these papers are for South Carolina only, your state may vary greatly!

Why I'm Glad I Have a Boy

If you know me, you know I'm girly. I like pink and sparkles and used to draw tiny hearts around boys names. (Okay, so I did that yesterday with my hubby's name. Give me a break!)

And I will tell anyone willing to listen that I have no idea what I'm doing with a little boy. We don't have little boys in my family. We marry boys, not raise them. I had never even changed a boy diaper before we brought Mac home.

I had never played cars or guns or rough housed. I had tea parties. I played Barbies. Boys were a completely different breed of person to me.

So when we brought Mac home I felt like I was looking at an alien. It was a learning process (and still is!). Thankfully for me, he has a big sister and I could still dress him up in tutus (he wanted them! I promise!). I had to resist the urge to paint his nails and get his ears pierced, though. Daddy would not like that.

But I am so glad I have a little boy.
For one, it balances me out. Tea parties are fun, but only for so long. Then the giant scary dinosaur comes and smashes things to bits, leaving little red-haired girls crying in their wake and me laughing at the fun of it all (until Red notices and I have to scold the boy). Mac has introduced me to a whole new side of fun I didn't know existed.
A son does not have the mood swings a daughter has. Yes, he gets angry and upset, but he doesn't brood. He doesn't stew over an injustice the way girls do. Offer the kid a sucker or toy and all is forgiven and he's happy as a clam again. Mac really is the happiest child I know. He has a smile for everybody and is such a joy!
He is also my lovey-dovey child. SB is very sweet, but she's not a cuddler. Mac is. In the rare moments he is quiet and still he cuddles. And Oh, how he cuddles. It's amazing. He curls up tiny as can be and puts his head on your chest and makes you want to melt.
He gives "best" hugs. Ask him when you see him for a Best Hug and then brace yourself. He will jump at you and squeeze you with all his might. And it's the most wonderful feeling in the world.
There is no fear in my son. Unless you're talking about bugs - he freaks out over bugs - but otherwise, no fear. I would be scared to death to have someone toss me 12 feet high in a swimming pool and let me crash down - not Mac. At three years old, he loves it. Rock climbing? Going under water? Meeting people? No fear at all. It's just not in him (unless you're an ant. then stay away).
Mac keeps me on my toes. He thinks of things girls just don't think of. Who needs to color on a piece of paper when you have an entire wall as a canvas? And didn't I know that my phone could do that? And who would have ever thought that a stick could be a balance beam, a weapon, a walking stick AND a dog leash - all at the same time.

Before Mac came home, I could not have ever imagined my life with a boy. It was so foreign to me. It's not an adoption thing, it's just a girl/boy thing. But now - now I have the most precious son. I am so thankful to God for granting me such a wonderful gift. I only hope I can do right by him!

(Don't worry, the "Why I'm Glad I have a Daughter" post will be coming soon!)

My Favorite Adoption-Friendly Kid's Shows

I love turning on adoption friendly shows for my kids to watch. They can be few and far between, but they are out there!

• Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends - Miss Spider and her hubby Holley (who names a man-spider Holley?) have 5 little spiderlings of their own, but through other circumstances they become parents to a bedbug, a dragonfly and a jewel beetle. Miss Spider was adopted by Betty Beetle as a young spider herself. My favorite epi of this show is where Shimmer, the jewel beetle, wants to find her hatching place and she and Miss Spider go searching for it. But she and the other adopted bugs realize that it doesn't matter where you came from, as long as you know where you are now and that you're loved.

• Dinosaur Train - The story of the Pteranodon Family circles around their three pteranodon (pronounced terr-an-a-don) children and the "one more egg" that wound up being Buddy the T-Rex who was immediately told he was a part of the family regardless of looks. Buddy wants to learn all about the different dinos since he knows he's adopted and even meets other T-Rexes but knows that Mr & Mrs Pteranodon are his parents.

• Anne of Green Gables - This is a great show for your slightly older child (also a terrific book! Make your children read!). Anne comes from an orphanage and is adopted by an elderly brother/sister duo who wanted a boy to do farm work. Of course, Anne is charming and charismatic and they fall in love with her anyway. It's not always bright and sunny, but it offers a great perspective for an adopted child between the ages of 6 - 12. I can't wait to intro it to my children.

 

•  Meet the Robinsons - If your son isn't too into Anne, why not give this movie a try? The main character, Lewis, lives in an orphanage and seems to scare off potential parents. After a series of chaotic events, Lewis is adopted by a family who loves him for who he is. 

There are many more, but these are a good starting point for your young adoptee and the family that loves them!

Why I Wanted to Adopt

This is something I get asked a lot. Why I wanted to adopt.

It's both a simple and a complicated answer.

The simple answer is - I always have.
The complex answer is - I always have.

I can recall being a little girl and asking my mother why people kept having babies when there were so many children in the world who needed a home. Why didn't they just adopt those children instead of bringing more into the world. My mom didn't have an answer for that. Who expects their eight-year-old to ask those questions?
Of course, from age five, one of my best friends (still is!) had been a girl who was adopted from India. So I've always been very aware of adoption and felt a calling to it from a young age.

When Marshall and I were dating I knew he was the one for me, but told him point blank that not adopting would be a deal breaker for me. He had to agree to adopt regardless of biological children. He agreed. I don't think he thought a lot about it at that point, but he agreed.
Fast forward to when we were ready for a family. When trying the old fashioned way didn't work and my OBGYN wanted a battery of infertility tests, we began to research adoption agencies. We selected one and went through all the paperwork involved. We waited.

Of course, if you read my story or my testimony, you know I did get pregnant.
But when SB was only a few months old, I knew I wanted to get back into adoption. I saw the signs for Foster Care Adoptions. After wrestling with God over that one for a while, I mentioned it to Marshall and he agreed to go to an informational meeting. We were set - we would adopt through Foster Care.

We only waited two months from approval before we got the call about Mac. We brought him home 2 weeks later (his 3rd Gotcha Day is quickly approaching!). It took 21 months to finalize his adoption. It was the most gut-wrenching experience of my life. It was worse than infertility because I already had the child in my home, worried he would be taken from me.

But he was worth it. When Mac came home it felt right. He was our family.

And now we're waiting to see if God will bless us again with another child. I don't think we feel that our family is complete and we would like to add more children to our family. Of course, our first thought (or at least mine) is always adoption. We were blessed with our short pregnancy earlier this year, and another one would be nice if it happened but we know our chances are slim. Adoption is where I feel called and I think Marshall does too.

So why did we want to adopt? Because we felt called by God to add to our family in that way. Because it was a part of my life from a very young age. Because we have love and room in our hearts to share with children who need a home. Selfishly because I want my arms full. Selflessly because I can't stand the thought of these children going out into the world without a family to come home to or to call when they need it.

If you are an adoptive parent, or are thinking about it, feel free to share your story with us!

Top 10 Reasons...

I'm recycling a post from last year to introduce November, which is National Adoption Month! Enjoy my Top 10 Reasons to Adopt:

1. There are 147 million orphans across the world.
2. Because you really do have room for one more in your house, arms & heart.
3. You really can afford it - regular DSS adoptions are virtually free. You can also apply for grants.
4. Because every child deserves to have a place to call home and a family to call their own.
5. Because your other children really want a baby sister (or brother).
6. Someone you know has been wonderfully blessed by adoption.
7. It's much less painful than birthing a child in terms of physical duress.
8. There's a type of adoption to fit what you are looking for (domestic, international, foster care, waiting child, etc).
9. Kids grow up and need moms & dads to come home to during the holidays and other life events.
10. God calls us all to adopt and even Christ himself was adopted by his earthly father. And God has adopted us all into his family.

I'll add a bonus reason today:

11. Because if I hadn't adopted, I would not have been blessed with my son, without whom I can not imagine life. He has blessed me so much more than I have blessed him.

And what is her name?

This weekend we went to a fall festival and ran into some very good, old friends of ours. It was so good to see these people! They were Marshall's and my mentors before we were married and while we were newlyweds. I babysat their children, they were front and center when I was baptized.

So we ran into them and their three gorgeous (and growing!) girls. They also had about 53 extra children with them. Okay, I think it was 4, but it sure seemed like 53. They were children from the local "children's home," which is PC code for "orphanage."

One was a sweet little sandy-blonde girl with big eyes. She took my breath away. I looked at my friend and asked, "And what is her name?" She told me and I then asked, "And how old is she?" She is three. She has a five year old brother (who was the same size as she was).

Then my friend said, "I know what you're thinking. We wanted them, too, but they're going to live with an aunt this coming week."

Oh. I'm glad they have biological family who wants them and will love them. But it sure pulled at my heart-strings. Now that I keep NotMine1 & NotMine2 part time, I feel a little more adept at caring for 4 children. And I'm ready for more.

So when I saw this little girl all I wanted to know was her name - it's a simple but loaded question when talking about children who need a forever family. I'm happy her name was chosen. I wonder if God has any more names chosen for us...

Happy Adoption Day!

One year ago today, we went before the judge and finally - FINALLY - adopted Mac.

It took forever. It seemed like forever. Twenty-One months of praying and waiting. Twenty-one months of thinking that my son might be taken from me and returned to the family he was taken from in the first place.

I am forever grateful to those who supported us in this journey...
Our parents especially who cried with us, held us and helped us financially.
Mac's amazing awesome social worker, Miss Amanda, who always looked out for his best interest and came to every boring doctors appointment and had real concern for Mac, not just because he was her charge.
Real friends who never stopped praying, never quit loving and always had our back.
My amazing best friend, Michelle, who stood by me and cried with me the first time I had to hand my baby to the social worker for Mac's first bio-relative visit. And all the subsequent visits where we wandered the mall waiting for him to come back to us.
The guardian ad-litem who also looked out for Mac's best interest above any other agenda.
Yes, even the attorneys who charged us an arm and a leg but got the paperwork done and won the case.
The wonderful prayer warriors at PAI from near and far who were available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

And I can't leave God out of the equation. The hardest prayer I ever prayed was for God to put Mac where he belonged, even if that was not with us. I am so thankful for the almost 3 years I have been blessed to call Mac my son. I will never forget God placed both our children with us for a reason. He is so good!

Happy Adoption Day, Mackie Boy!

At Least I Didn't Birth Them Both

My children are a mere 14 months apart. Actually, they're 13 months and 29 days apart. That day makes a big difference!

I have had people ask me if they're twins. Seriously? SB is much bigger than Mac, but maybe they just figure since they're a boy and girl that they got difference size genes.
The first few months I would take the kids out by myself people did give me looks - SB had just turned 2 and Mac was 10 months when he came home. It was pretty obvious they were close in age. I had several people make comments to me, "Don't you know what causes that?" Strangers, I mean! "Yes," I would say, "Adoption causes it." That usually quieted people pretty fast.

But the notion doesn't escape me - IF I had given birth to Mac I would have gotten pregnant when SB was 5 months old. I can't imagine. I was so far into the throws of PPD (post pardum depression) I probably would have jumped off a bridge if I had had an infant and a growing stomach - again.

It sounds kind of mean and sarcastic of me to say I'm glad I didn't birth both my children, but it's the truth. For one, I think I would have keeled over if I had birthed two children that close together. I was exhausted as it was, and I had plenty of energy when Mac came home.
Secondly, I needed that extra year to prepare for a 2nd child. Yes, if you count back, we applied to adopt when SB was only 6 months old - but we must have know it would take a long time. And it did...about 18 months until we brought Mac home.
Third. Well. We wouldn't have had Mac if I had given birth to him. We would have had someone else entirely. It wouldn't have been Mac. Adoption brought him into our family and there was no other way to do that.

So I don't apologize for saying I'm glad I didn't birth both my children. Our family dynamic would have been completely different if I had. And I think I would have become even crazier than I already am.

Family picture, Jan 2009 with a 1 year old and a 2 year old.

A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words

I'm stealing my friend Christina's post idea. Forgive me, C - imitation is the best form of flattery!

May is National Foster Care Month. Many people I know say time and time again that they could never become a foster parent or adopt through foster care. Someone seems to have spread the rumor that foster children are damaged goods. Yes, children from foster care have had previous hurts, but that does not make them incapable of receiving love.

In fact, I'm a firm believer that a loving family can turn a child around. If you don't believe me, let me share some before and after pictures of my son.

Take a look at these pictures of Mac when we brought him home. Notice the "expression" on his face - or lack thereof:

This was the day we brought him home.

This was a typical look for weeks...no smiles, no sparkle in the eyes.

Even here his smile is guarded and his eyes are blank.

We had to teach Mac to cry and laugh when he came home at 10 months old. He had very little expression. He was just blank. At first we just thought he was a studious little guy, but we later figured out he had no expressions.

Until much later:

Joy

Silly boy - notice how his eyes carry the expression here.

Even here in a little pout you can see how he's just waiting to laugh (which he did).

This child has more expressions that just about anybody else I've ever seen. He gives these little looks that tells you that the wheels are turning in his head. He smiles at the drop of a hat. He also gets very angry and will cross his arms and furrow his brow when things don't go his way. And when he's up to no good his brows rise up and a little smirk comes across his face. It's amazing.

I don't know what Mac's life would have been like without us. Thankfully we'll never know. But I can't imagine if he had never developed a personality. He is so lively. He makes each day an adventure. What if he had never built up that personality at all?

You can make this difference in a child. Even if they're only with you a short time, you could be what teaches that child to smile. You could be what helps that child blossom in what is otherwise a bleak world.

Have you thought about foster care lately?