Remembering Today

Today is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day. Around the world, women and couples are lighting candles to remember the children they lost too soon.

This day is especially hard for me this year, as if my pregnancy had progressed, I would be preparing to give birth in one or two weeks. Instead, our little one was carried Home where he will never know the joys or pains of this world.

I have two heaven-bound children that I know of. Maggie Joy would be over 5 now if she were with us, and Tobin would be preparing to make his entrance.

Chances are, if you have not dealt with miscarriage yourself, you know someone who has. According to http://blightedovum.kokopuff.net/facts.html, anywhere from 25-50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage - many occurring before the mother even knew she was pregnant. 20% of women who have one miscarriage will endure a second one. Chromosomal abnormalities are the most common reason for miscarriage - this is what happened with Tobin.

If you have lost a child, my heart goes out to you. We will never understand why God called them home so soon, but one day we will embrace them fully as they escort us to meet our Heavenly Father and they will say, "Look, Mommy, Jesus and I have been waiting for you! Welcome home!"

Facts about Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and I wanted share a few Myths about this taboo form of loss... You can read it all at I Am The Face.


One out of every four women will experience the loss of a baby at some point in their lives. That’s right–25%! Pregnancy/infant loss is an issue that while very common, is rarely talked about. Because it’s become such a “hush-hush” and taboo topic, those who experience it are often left to grieve in silence, alone.
It’s time for things to change.
It’s time to open up the conversation, to get the dialogue started. It’s time for survivors (yes, we are all survivors!) to come together, raise our voices, and reach out to the others who are out there, thinking they are alone.
The first step in breaking the silence is often shattering stereotypes. Below are some myths and facts about pregnancy/infant loss:

Myth: Losing a baby is very uncommon; it won’t happen to me or someone I know.
Truth:

• 25-50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage (pregnancy.org).
• Stillbirths (the death of a baby after 20 weeks gestation) occur in one in every 160 pregnancies–about 60 stillborn babies every single day (March of Dimes).
• Each year, in the US alone, about 20,000 babies die in their first month of life, many after being born prematurely (March of Dimes).
• SIDS is the leading cause of death among infants ages 1 month to 1 year.

Myth: Pregnancy/infant loss is something that happens to older moms, overweight moms, or moms with health issues.
Truth: “Baby loss” does not discriminate. Often, it’s young, perfectly healthy women who experience the loss of a baby. Click here to read real-life stories of loss, and you’ll see the faces of ALL kinds of women–young, old, black, white, thin, obese–pregnancy/infant loss can strike anyone.

Myth: Miscarriages and Stillbirths are usually caused by a lack of prenatal care or something else the mother did during her pregnancy.
Truth:

• Almost 100% of miscarriages could not have been prevented, with the majority being caused by chromosomal abnormalities.
• 25% of Stillbirths are caused by placental problems; 15% are caused by an infection; 2-4% are caused by umbilical cord problems, and 50% have no known cause of death whatsoever. While there are risk factors to be aware of (smoking, for instance), the overwhelming majority of stillbirths are completely out of the mother’s control.

Myth: A woman who has just lost a baby wants to forget it ever happened and move on with her life.
Truth: While this may be true for some, many are dying to talk about the child they lost, especially if it was a late-term pregnancy loss or infant loss. The chance to talk freely about their baby(ies), without feeling like they are making everyone uncomfortable, is something many, many women who have lost a baby wish for.

I tried to hard to cover my first loss. And with the second, I've been so much more open and it is healing.
I am the face of pregnancy loss...

The Unspoken Hero

Today is Mother's Day.

And today I want to recognize all the moms out there who are missing children from their arms.

Whether it is from infertility, loss...however those arms are empty. There are moms out there without children. They are my hero today.

We went through a few years before SB was born where the minute we walked into church I stood out in the crowd. One of the only ladies who did not have a carnation handed to her to mark her as a mother. Those were difficult times. People told us we needed to get on the ball. We were trying... apparently our ball wasn't rolling like the others.

Then the moms had to stand up to be recognized. Again, I was one of the only ones over the age of 20 who wasn't standing.

It hurt. But I was hopeful. I knew one day I would be a mother. And now I am. I have two beautiful blessings here on earth and two more waiting for me in heaven.

But it's a hard day.

So if you are an unseen mother who's children are not in your arms - whether they're in heaven or they haven't made it to your arms yet - this Mother's Day is for you.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/treekins/3177406945/

My Take on a D&C

If you don't want to read my take - come back tomorrow. Maybe I'll have something a little more upbeat to talk about.
However, in my online research about D&Cs I found a lot about the technical side of things and not much on the woman's perspective. So I thought I would share mine.

I received a lot of conflicting information the day before about where I needed to be and what time. So I wound up late because I went by the last person I talked to who told me 9am, where my doctor wanted to see me before that at 8:30. Oh well.


I was taken up the the prep room where I donned one of those robes that's open in the back. Thankfully it was huge and wrapped around my plus sized rear just fine. The worst part was them doing the IV because it makes me want to pass out and the nurses and Marshall were having a time trying to keep me with it, but I did good and didn't faint at all!

About 8 thousand people asked me the same questions over again - Do you smoke? Are you allergic to medications? What happens when you have said medications? When was the last time you ate or drank? Have you taken any medications? et cetera. The worst question was What are you having done today? Because really, I didn't need the reminder.

And yes, I was a little sad. But mostly I just wanted it over with. I know my baby is in heaven, I wasn't losing anything of value in this procedure - what was of value was already gone and safely, happily in heaven. So I was more upset at the fact that my body didn't do what it was supposed to than anything else today.

In fact, I cracked a few jokes and was generally fairly upbeat. I know many people are not that way, but for me, humor is a coping mechanism and I would much rather be happy than sad.

I was wheeled back to the OR at about 10:15. They put my arms on those things that stick straight out, IV in my left hand, blood pressure cuff on the right arm. A nurse put an oxygen mask over my face, but it kept falling off, which I found to be a little funny and a little annoying. And my nose was very itchy, which they told me was part of the medication. At this point they were giving me something and I was feeling dizzy. I kept closing my eyes, but tried to keep them open so they would know I was still awake.

Then they said I would be asleep soon and would next wake up when it was done. I remember thinking I needed to pop my ears then I was out.
I'm pretty sure I dreamed, but I have no idea about what.
Next thing I remember was waking up in recovery. A nurse was with me, monitoring my vitals. I looked at the clock and it was 11:15. The nurse said I had been in there about 10 minutes, so the surgery took right at 30 minutes, as expected. She said everything went smoothly and I did fine. My only other questions were 1 - could I please have something to drink because my throat tasted like plastic (I was not intubated, but they do put something in to keep your airway open). I got ice chips. Question 2 - when was the IV coming out. She said soon. I hate IVs.

Then I was wheeled back to my room where Marshall was waiting. I had told him to write down anything funny and loopy I said, but I seemed to have skipped that part all together. More vitals were monitored and I was given liquid Loritab for pain, though I was not experiencing much - but I figured I would so I took it.
Finally the IV came out and I was able to get dressed. I felt pretty good, a little tender in my lower abdomen, but that was it. I was fairly well awake and ready to go home. I was starving.

A wheelchair was gotten for me, and I was wheeled out to the car. Marshall and I left right about 1pm. So we were at the hospital for right at 4 hours yesterday.

We did stop and get something light to eat. I was told nothing greasy, so I stayed simple and didn't eat a lot. About 2/3 of the way home I told Marshall to hurry up because the Loritab was really taking effect and I felt like my body was melting - literally. Once home I pretty much just fell into bed and that was it for me.

I slept for a while and got up and I felt pretty good. I had a slight headache, and was still a little tender in the abdomen, but otherwise fine.

So that's my take on having a D&C. I hope you find the info somewhat useful if you ever have to endure the procedure. I pray you won't go through the experience.

And for those who think I might be a little too open... well... you can think that. But I find that topics such as miscarriage and infertility are not talked about enough in a world where they are all too common. Other women are out there suffering through the same troubles and have no reference to go by, so I am trying to make it my goal to be sure those women have somewhere to go, someone who had been there as well, that they can relate to. When I was looking for information, I had a hard time finding it. Sadly, my best friend lost her second child in much the same way I lost this one, so I did have her story to reference, but not too much more. If you have to go through this, you are not alone!

FAQs about our loss

People are already asking about this loss so I thought I would answer some questions I've gotten.

• No, the kids did not know I was pregnant. Please don't tell them. I don't want to have to explain it to my preschoolers.
• What I mean by things didn't develop is that when we went in, everything measured behind about 2 weeks. We went back in to be sure we weren't just off 2 weeks, but I pretty much knew we weren't. I was very prepared when she said there still was nothing there.
• People have assumed we were trying - we were not trying to get pregnant. Not that it's any of your business anyway. I had said the day before I found out that I had no desire to be pregnant again. 
• Yes, I am now questioning the statement of not wanting to be pregnant. I just don't know...but since we do struggle with infertility it's not something we thought we would deal with again.
• No, I don't mind your sympathy. Just don't give me your pity. Help me heal, don't make me feel bad. It is perfectly fine for you to ignore the whole thing.
• Yes, I do feel the need to busy myself to get my mind off it.
• Even though this baby was not planned, he was still loved and very wanted. And I miss him despite the fact that I never held him.
• No, this is not the hardest thing I've had to do. I would give that title to handing Mac over week after week for those visits with his biological relatives.
• No, I do not doubt God at all. I know He has a plan, and I know I will probably not know it for a long time. That's okay. I have peace about it.

The Worst Nightmare

I think every mother's worst nightmare is losing a child.

For eighteen months I thought daily I would lose Mac. Thank God we did not and he is now stuck with us for life!

But 5.5 years ago, before SB, I had an early miscarriage. Didn't know, did you? Not many people do. We didn't share then. But I feel compelled to share now. That little one was gone at about 6 weeks.

And now I'm in the midst of another one. When we went in at 8 weeks, things were not developing as they should. 10 days later (yesterday), they had not changed. Our baby was gone.

I am typing this with a dry eye. I've cried enough over the past 2 weeks. I'm sure I'll cry more in the week(s) to come. But right now crying will not bring my little one back and to be honest - if I had the choice between a hard life here or eternity in heaven, I would choose heaven in an instant. He's better off, but I still miss him (and yes, I am referring to him as a him - just a feeling I have).

So if you've wondered in the past 2 weeks what's been going on with me, that's it. So many of you have been praying for us, and I appreciate it. Your support means the world to me. Especially our moms (if you're reading this, thank you Mom & Melissa).

The hardest thing right now is trying to praise God. But I am thankful that I was able to get pregnant again (infertility stinks). I'm thankful for the few weeks of happiness we had. I'm more thankful for Thing 1 and Thing 2 sitting on the floor right now watching Pixar short films. I'm thankful for the friends and family who are embracing us right now. I'm thankful for a husband who lets me grieve in my own way and in my own time.
There's nothing like a loss to make you realize what you do have.

Marshall and I talked about my sharing this loss with the world. Last time we kept it private. I just told my mom about it recently. But I feel compelled to share. So many others go through a miscarriage feeling alone. Infertility and miscarriage are like taboo topics nobody wants to talk about in public. But if you know me, you know I like to speak publicly about all my issues - from pregnancy, post-pardum depression, adoption, parenting struggles and loss. So I will share it some here. If you don't like it, well, click to another blog and try again later.

So that's what's been going on with us. We thank you for your love in this time. And we thank God for this opportunity, no matter how hard.

Heros: Take Fifteen. Meet Teeny's Mom

Today's hero is an amazing woman. One of the strongest women I have ever had the privilege of meeting and she would tell you in an instant her strength only comes from the Lord.

Her name is Sonia and she now lives in Hong Kong. I met her through an Christian-based infertility forum called Hannah's Prayer, and now we are both a part of Parenting After Infertility and Loss Ministries. Sonia is the proud mother of 3 precious children. Two on earth and one she will see again in heaven.

Her twins were born as micro-preemies at 23 weeks gestation in April 2006. Rachel and Isaac fought hard, but Rachel's premature rupture of membranes 5 weeks earlier (on March 1, 2006) was too much. She lived an amazing 102 minutes. Isaac fought and fought and he will be 5 years old in April. Two years later, beautiful Abigail was born full term and healthy. She is the most gorgeous child you will ever see.

Sonia, Isaac and Abigail

I had the distinction of meeting Sonia, her husband Jong and Isaac in August 2008 in Washington, DC when they had a Cherry Tree dedicated to Rachel's memory. It was a beautiful service.

So, today Sonia is my hero. Her unwavering faith and ability to give it all to God in the midst of a tragic storm awes me. And her ability to delight in and celebrate all of her children brings me near tears. Thank you for being so open with your story, Sonia. You are my hero!

To read more about Sonia and her children, visit her blog here: April Mom

The Big Picture

The first rule about blog writing is that you don't talk about blog writing (or, maybe you don't blog about blog writing? Since we don't talk we blog.). It's kind of an unspoken (unwritten?) rule, yet I've seen several professional bloggers write about not writing about it. Confused? So am I.

Moving on. I realized that this is blog post #162 for me. It's a random number, but considering I'm blogging, on average, 71% of the time (227 total days possible, if I added correctly), I think I'm doing rather well.

All this rambling to just to say that I wanted to tell you the POINT of this blog. A little late in the game, huh? Oh, well. Here it is anyway.

You see, I think I'm a fabulous writer. I know I may have delusions of grandeur, but some of my friends (whom I trust to tell me if my work is crap) have said that my work is good. My professors always told me I was an excellent writer. I've wanted to be a writer since I was about 10, but applying for an English degree seemed cheesy, so I went for "Communication Studies." Which had led me back to...writing.

Now, this blog is not my finest writing work. It's casual. I can just speak my mind. So if you're looking at this thinking I have no idea what I'm talking about, I promise, I do know how to write.

In light of my fabulosity (a word I just now made up) and apparent ego-tripping, I also aspire to become a public speaker. I want to talk to throngs of moms out there who need some reassurance that they are not the only ones who think their daughters are too sassy or their sons are really alien beings. I want to talk about parenting, adoption, infertility, post-pardum depression and the gamut of everything in-between. I want to encourage mothers to keep going, even when they feel like quitting and running away to Mexico - with or without their husbands.

(This is, if you didn't pick up on it, the reason I wrote yesterday's post on becoming well-known.)

So, I started this blog as a way to do several things:

1. Keep writing every day.
2. Share my faith.
3. Encourage other moms.
4. Become a launching point for my soon to be well-knowedness. (Another word I made up just for this blog.)

So, in a very brief and slightly random post, that is why I blog. Now you can say you knew me when (when I become "well-known" or when I get committed, either way).

http://www.flickr.com/photos/notionscapital/2493066577/

Remembrance Day of another kind...

Today (Oct 15) is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. Light a candle at 7pm and join a wave of light around the world to remember those little ones gone too soon. In the words of Dr Seuss ... "A person's a person no matter how small". ♥ 

Too many children went home to be with the Lord before their parents were ready. I'm sure God had his reasons, and I know those children are rejoicing and dancing at the feet of our savior, but for the millions of parents, siblings and families left with hurting hearts and empty arms - the pain is unbearable.

So today I remember all those beautiful children who either never made it into their parents' waiting arms, or those who departed too soon. I'm especially thinking of Rachel, Joy, Malachi, Stephen, Isaac & Isaiah today - and many, many more who's parents are missing them.

http://www.flickriver.com/photos/pinksherbet/tags/albumcoverart/

Please join Parenting After Infertility & Loss Ministries in honoring these children and lifting their grieving Moms and Dads in prayer. Thank you!