Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Today's post will be depressing. Just to prepare you.

I want to ask God why? WHY? I know we all have things we want to ask God why about when we get to heaven. I wonder if we will remember those things when the rejoicing is done and we finally have a quiet moment with our Lord to have a chat. I'm sure we'll all sit down with Him and have a little chat, don't you think? I hope so. There's so much I want to know. And I know that when we get to heaven, it won't matter anymore, but I still want some answers.

And today's questions are biggies.

Long story short, over the weekend Marshall and his father pulled a drowning teen from the ocean. She lived in the hospital for 3 days and passed away yesterday. Her name is Savannah and she passed away at 18 years old. Even though we never met this girl, even though we never met her parents, this girl has affected our family possibly forever. When I heard she had passed I cried and I wasn't even on the beach to see what was going on. But I found her facebook page and saw a picture of her, and she was gorgeous.
WHY, Lord, did you take her so young? Had she finished her work here already? What about her parents? What about her little siblings? What about her friends? Why is ripping this young life from them the right thing? Why are her father and best friend living with the nightmare of knowing they had to save themselves or risk going under with her? Why are Marshall and his father living with knowing all they risked only for her to die?
My family members agreed - at least Savannah's family had 3 extra days with her to say goodbye, to prepare themselves, to start grieving. If nobody had done anything she would have been swept out into the ocean, gone forever. At least they have a chance for closure. But it's hard to see the blessing in that when a vibrant light is snuffed out.

And secondly, I am mourning myself this week. I should be about a month away from giving birth to my sweet baby. Wondering last minute if it's a boy or a girl. Thinking if we chose the right names, praying for a little life about to enter the world. And instead I sit here with an empty womb and a hole in my heart. I know only God can fill that space and ease the ache in my arms. But I miss my baby. October will be a bad month for me, I will tell you know. I should be having a Halloween baby, making the kids upset from not getting to go out or something. But they will never know the heartache Halloween will give me from now on.
WHY, Lord, was Tobin (and Maggie Joy before him) not given a chance here on earth? Why won't I hold him in my arms? Why were we given hope only to have it taken away? So we would lean on you more? Surely there was another way? I guess this was the most effective way, but it stings.
It stings that I see pregnancy announcements all over the internet, and that these women are complaining about their sickness and swollenness when I would give my left arm for the privilege if it meant having my children back with me.

Today I ask a lot of WHYs. Today I am mourning for the family who loved and cherished their daughter for 18 preciously short years to have her gone in an instant. And I mourn for the children I long to hold in heaven.

I don't understand, Lord! Will you please explain it to me when I get there?


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